People would tell me, "Oh, I couldn't tell you the truth, I'd hurt you." So hurt me, but do it honestly. Do you know the worst that'll happen if you tell me something I don't want to hear? I might not like you. That's it. Ladies, if I'm not your type, just tell me and I'll be mad, maybe tell my friends you're a bitch and that's it. What do you care? Most likely I'm not going to see you anytime soon, so what does it matter?

I remember a while ago I was seeing this girl and after a few weeks she told me that she didn't think we should see each other anymore, and when I asked why, she told me it was because she wasn't sexually attracted to me. And you know what? I got mad...for exactly 2 days. Then I was over it. Poof! You know why? Because I didn't have to wonder about it. I knew exactly why she did it, and guess what, I got over it and moved on.

Am I still mad at her? Not at all. Would I still hang out with her? Absolutely. She did nothing wrong; she was honest and told me exactly the reason.

Now, there are plenty of other women who stopped seeing me, or calling me, or just acknowledging me at all...and to this day, I still don't know why they did that. And with a few of them, the wonder still lingers. I'm still thinking about why they did that. To me, that's more cruel that hurting me with honesty.

At least if you tell me the truth and piss me off right away, within a week (at the most) I'll be alright. But when you just up and go without any explanation, that just sits there in my mind and grows like a weed. It strangles my thoughts and affects my judgement.

Forget the Chinese water torture; that is real psychological torture. For prisoners, we should have a girl (or guy) start to date them, and then when they get really into that person, just have that person dump them. No explanation, just leave. I'm telling you, after a month of wondering, they'll spill their secrets to anyone just to get closure on that relationship.

"Please, I'll tell you exactly where Osama Bin Laden is hiding, just please tell me why Jessica isn't returning my calls. Is it because I didn't want to go on that trip to see her mother? Is it because I forgot to buy her a copy of Glamour? Please, I must know! Please!"

Honesty people, that's all I want.

No real reason for this rant, just a thought I had that I wanted to vent about. Night.

5/25/08
Greetings everyone; hope you're all doing well. I feel bad that I've been neglecting this blog for a bit, it's just that when I get home at night, I just want to get into bed, not expunge my day's events on the internet. But today I am blogging before I go out; ain't I a genius?

Well I guess the biggest thing that happened recently was that I had a showcase for a big comedy event, but I did it as Skippy! That's right, they wanted to see Skippy; and I did really well. They asked to see a tape of Skippy doing more time, so we sent that off. At this point I'm trying not think about it too much (although I can't help it at times), but what's really cool is that they had heard about Skippy. OH...

I got a wonderful message from Kim Coles. For those who don't know the name (and shame on you), she is an actress and comedian who was an original cast member on In Living Color. She had seen Skippy a couple of months ago and said some really amazing things about the character (we had also worked together back in 1999 when I still lived in Florida), so the other night I'm at the Improv when another comedian came up to me and said that Kim wanted me to know that she had been thinking about me and Skippy lately and that she really loves the act. (I'm paraphrasing, but you get the jist). And then her friend (who gave me the message) said that Kim really appreciates the art of comedy and that she loves what I'm doing with the character.

Actually a lot of people just love Skippy so much; it makes me smile when I think about it.

Something big is on the horizon, I can just feel it. Something is about to burst.

Have you ever just felt that? You can't explain why, but something feels like it's going to explode. Like a volcano, or a zit. Ewww....

Well actually we can all relate to that feeling of when a zit is ready to pop. You can actually feel it; that's what my career feels like now. My career is like a puss-filled zit about to pop.

Gross? Yes. Prophetic? Possibly. Funny? I dunno...

My point is that to have someone who was part of a ground breaking comedy show like "In Living Color" say they love what I'm doing in the realm of comedy and character is just amazing.

Other than that, I've been alright. Honestly, a little blah...just in that place, you know? I've been here before and I'll come out of it like I always do.

In a way, I kind of like it, ONLY because it reminds me that I'm human but it also lets me put my life in perspective and realize that it's not as bad as I see it.

I know that sounded confusing, but trust me, it made sense to me.

Sidenote, I was just IMing with a friend who is the director/editor of Jamie's upcoming documentary Heckler (which comes out in Sept), and he told me that I am in the final cut! How cool is that? So now you all have to buy a copy. Support people!

Oh yeah, speaking of support, if you haven't already (or even if you have), please go to FunnyOrDie.com and vote for a short that I wrote and appeared in called, No Country For Autobots. Me and some friends entered it in the MTV Movie Award Spoof Contest, we didn't get in, but I'm still proud of the video. I didn't actually edit it, if I had, there were a few things I would've done differently, but that's all part of being on another side of the creative wall: Letting it go once you shoot it. I guess I felt a little more invested because I wrote it as well.

Anyway, my friend is coming over and we're going to watch a movie, so I'm going to get ready. Have a great memorial day kids. Bye.

5/17/08
I hate waiting around for the show.

I'm in my hotel room, all packed and ready to go...and I have 5 hours until the show. And then right from the show I go to the airport to take the redeye back to LA. But, like I said, I hate this waiting around. I guess I could put in a DVD on my laptop and watch that, but that will kill another 2 hours or so...with 3 hours left to kill.

I'm sure there are several productive things I could be doing, but I have no idea what they could be. I also just had some lunch at TGI Fridays so I'm a bit stuffed. Almost feel like taking a nap, but I know that would be stupid since I'm on the redeye. I want to stay up and then crash out after my show. I figure that by the time I get to the airport and on the plane, the adreniline rush from the show will be gone and I'll just pass out.

OK, so last night's show was not my best. Long story short, there were 4 openers (the regular host for the week, then two guest spots and I did a 12 minute Skippy set) and the crowd just never really got on the chain. I shouldn't have done Skippy; that was my fault. But I had a "what the hell" attitude because I really wanted to see how "he" would do up here. I'm pretty sure he'd do well, but this crowd was just weird.

And honestly, they weren't really "bad", just different. Basically (from what I was told) they were enjoying the show, but just weren't vocal about it. Like they sat back, smiled and had a good time, but to me (since I can't really see faces) they just seemed to be sitting there in silent disgust. So I did something very unprofessional, I mentioned how awkward the show had become. And I don't think they felt that...UNTIL I said something. I hate when I do that; when I acknowledge that I'm not doing well in my opinion. It's a lesson that I've learned before but I guess I still needed to learn; don't let them see you sweat.

Like I said, afterwards people said they liked it, so I guess they did. Tonight is the last show so let's hope I go out with a bang!

Oh, I've been hanging out with the band, Left Of Centre; very cool guys and a great band. The past few nights they've brought me onstage and I've sung with them. They say that every comedian wants to be a rock star...it's kinda true. I got some cool pics that I'll post up soon.

I think I've mentioned this before, but when these guys (who are really cool) bring me in thier little world, it feels so fucking cool. Especially because I still think of myself as a nerd. You know, I still watch goofy movies, I am online most of the time, I still love Weird Al...shit, I'm still a nerd. But now, with the life I live, it's like I'm the nerd who somehow got invited to the cool party and no one has figured it out yet.

That kinda sounds a bit either self-loathing or self-centered; I don't know. But it's how I feel sometimes. A friend of mine put it perfectly I think, she said, "You're like the James Bond of nerds." I like that. "I'll have a Capri-sun...shaken, not stirred."

5/14/08
I am now sorta settled in my hotel in Anchorage. They had put me up in a condo for a few days; it was nice. But now I'm at a place where the wifi connection is free and abundant. Yay!

Had the first show last night and it was great. Small crowd but mighty, and I thought of a great line onstage; nothing beats that feeling. It's a new bit called "The Mexican Astronomy Professor", the name says it all. Anyway, during the bit I was just in the moment and this great line came to me and it worked! I'll try and upload it soon if I can. The bit is rather silly, but still funny.

This morning I had radio so last night I decided to leave the club early and turn in so I'd be awake for radio...and I just couldn't fall asleep. Did you ever have those nights where your body was exhausted but your brain wouldn't shut the fuck up? That's where I was. I mean I remember my body being so heavy that I could barely move, yet my brain was talking a mile a minute.

Needless to say, I eventually got to sleep but was sorta dead to the world when I woke up. But despite that, I had some really good radio. Believe it or not, I mainly did impressions...one in particular; Jeff Goldblum. Who knew? But it was fun, and then I got some McDonalds for breakfast, went back to the condo and passed out for another few hours.

So right now I've got about 4 hours to kill, so I'm thinking I might just fart around...actually, no. Right now I'm waiting for a call from Dell tech support to fix my laptop. Just my luck, it just went out of warranty. Well kick my ass and call my Sharon...don't know what that meant.

Oh, speaking of names (sorta...Sharon, that's a name, right?) I have been writing a WHOLE BUNCH of Skippy knock-knock jokes as of late. And I owe a lot of that to the help of some comedians; namely Brad Williams and David Reinitz. They've written some amazing ones for me.

That's what's so fun about those jokes, once a comic sees me do them, they ALL want to write ones. It's a fun challenge I guess.

Well, I'm going to relax for a bit and then talk to Dell, and then maybe read. Hope you guys are doing well.

5/12/08
So the Calgary Funnyfest is over and I'm sitting in the hotel lobby waiting for my ride to the airport so I can hop on a plane to Anchorage to start my week at Chilkoots...ok, now I'm at the Calgary airpot (had a little interuption there); either way, I'm about to fly.

OK, so how was the festival? It was fun, but to be honest, a bit unorganized at times and stressful to a lot of people involved. But let's not talk about the negative. The positives are that I got to perform with some great comics, made a contact or two, and Skippy worked up here! I did Skippy a couple of times here and he worked just as well as he does in Los Angeles. This is huge because it shows me that Skippy isn't just "cool" or "hip" in LA. OK, other fun things about this trip...

I felt I had some great shows (with the exception of one) and the cutest fucking thing happened. So yesterday (by the way, happy belated Mothers' Day) we did an afternoon show at this rec hall type place for families. Now as a comedian, when it comes to doing a show, the two words you hate hearing are "afternoon" and "family". So the comics were going on and they were doing alright and I thought that I was just going to do a few minutes, get some chuckles and that would be it. Well, without hurting myself patting my own back, I did really well. I did (obviously) clean material, some older stuff too; one in particular was this bit I did on The Jerry Lewis Telethon. It's the bit about how stupid guys look when they hit on girls, but the joke really is me making silly animal sound effects and jumping around like an idiot. So I did the bit and everyone laughed especially the kids.

After my show I'm talking to a comic when I feel this tug on my jacket, I turn around and this little girl is looking up at me, smiling and she said, "I liked the noises you make"...soooo fucking cute! It just put this big smile on my face. I talked to her for a minute and I just saw this purity and innocence in her eyes, and that made me smile even more. I just made her laugh and it just brightened her up so much.

Am I making a big thing out of this; maybe, but you know what, I don't care. I know what makes me happy and that little moment made this trip worth it for me. So there!

Anywho, I'm supposed to be boarding soon, so I'm going to get going. Hope you guys are smiling and I'll talk to ya from Alaska...or maybe I'll add a little more to this on my THREE HOUR LAYOVER in Seattle!

And in case you're wondering, I didn't book this flight myself.

5/7/08
I'm so confused right now; my body is all out of whack. I'm sitting at LAX again about to fly to Calgary for the Comedy Festival...the thing is, I just came back a day ago. So I came in Monday, had one day to relax and now it's back to the plane. I know that a lot of people fly this frequently all the time, but that still doesn't make it easier. Although coffee does.

And to tell you the truth, I'm feeling pretty awake right now...again, thank you coffee. But I got a good nights sleep and feel really rested. I guess I'm just bitching because I had flying in, going home and then immediately coming back to the airport. Oh well...

OK, I don't know how many Lost fans are reading this now, but I found something that completely blew my mind. First of all, I am a huge Lost fan; I love the show and have been watching it since the first episode. And every question that the show seems to answer, another 10 questions are asked. But the other day I stumbled across this website that seems to have solved the mystery of the island, and I have been reading this thing a lot. Whomever made this site has both a lot of time on their hands and a lot of imagination. So for those of you who want to read a possible explanation of the show, click away: Time Loop Theory.

I actually had a dream that I was roommates with one of the characters from the show...I'm sure that has to do with reading that page.

It's amazing how the mind works, isn't it? You read something, or see something or someone and suddenly that image or thought is put in your mind and can manifest itself in your dreams. Dreams. What are dreams really? I have a joke regarding dreams, but I really am fascinated by the concept of dreams. By the idea that you can see images and feel things while unconscious. And they are so real that they can evoke real emotions: happiness, fear, elation, orgasm...another orgasm...one more...and then shame.

Well, we're going to be boarding soon, so I'm going to pack up. Talk to you guys later.

5/1/08
Hey everyone, greetings from yet another Starbucks, this time in W. Palm Beach, FL. I'm here doing my week at the Improv with Brad. We just did some radio; always fun.

So, the last two nights down here I did Skippy at the open mikes, and it did GREAT! It was really cool to know that Skippy works outside of LA. Plus, and this is going to sound egocentric, it felt really great to do this in front of the local comics here. Here's why...

I remember when I was starting out down here and these comics would come through and just blow me away with their act. I'm talking Dom Irrera, Bobby Slayton, Jimmy Shubert; just outstanding headliners. And I remember going up to them and just telling them how much I loved their act. Well, these past two nights so many local comics have said that to me. They say that Skippy is brilliant, and that they love my comedy, etc. And that just felt so full circle; like I'm on the other end of it now. And just makes me grin ear to ear to imagine that I could be affecting these guys the way those other comics affected me.

OK, enough ego-time for me.

What else is going on?

Well I've been spending time with family while I'm here and that feels great. Yesterday I got to spend time withe my cousin and her two daughters; soooo fucking cute! I actually rode a carousel with my little cousin Faith, and I gotta tell ya, I kinda felt like a daddy for a minute. Not that I'm thinking of adopting my second cousin (hardy-har-har) but thinking "Wow, I can't wait to be a daddy." Just gotta find that...oh, whatcha-ma-call-it..oh yeah; wife.

Oh well, someday.

I just had a weird little moment. I was answering an email on my facebook page; this girl asked me "how does one work as a comedian?" And I responded, "well, i have shows all over the world really, so wherever they pay me, I will be there performing; that's pretty much how it works as a comedian. :)" And as I typed, I realized that this job, though normal to me and a lot of my friends (comedians), it must seem odd to everyone else. I mean my job is to travel to different places where they pay me to make people laugh. I mean it's a fantastic job, but from the outside, it must seem...as I said, odd.

But when I talk to my comedian friends, we talk about it like it's any other job. "Who books that room?...Did you get travel and hotel...How were the crowds...Oh that manager sucks...Great strip clubs there..." It's just normal for us.

OK, now for something completely different.

I have a myspace page for Skippy Greene, and I have the domain name www.SkippyGreene.com, which is just another way to get to the myspace page. But people might forget the name of the character, or they may spell Greene without the extra "e". So I decided to look for another domain name based on something memorable from Skippy's act. For those who have seen Skippy lately, the obvious catch phrase is..."lick my balls." So I went on and did a search for "lickmyballs.com"...taken, "lickmyballs.net"...taken, "lickmyballs.org"...taken, "lickmyballs.tv"...taken, "lickmyballs.biz"...taken. Seriously!? So I finally settled on...drum roll please....www.LickMyBalls.cc!

That's right, "cc"...or if you're Spanish, "yes-yes". :) I figure that's an easy way to remember it.

Alright kids, it's almost showtime so I'm going to pack'er up and get ready. Have a great May!