Fuck me, this month has been pretty much blogless. I wish I had an excuse, but I don't. I'm lazy. Period.
Today, however, I'm not feeling too good, so this seemed like the best time to blog. Meaning I've got nothing else to do.
Man, this sounds like it's a chore now. I remember (and I know I've blogged about this topic before) when I used to blog everyday; come hell or high water. NOw I never blog, usually because I'm high as hell water. Whatever that means.
To tell you the truth, I've been a little stressed lately. My calender is pretty open and that stresses me out...always. I know that I'll fill it up, but it's just not happening too easily now. I know, I know, I've bitched about this several times but every time it still stresses me out. I can't wait until the day that I don't worry about booking work. I can't imagine how free I'll feel then. Like a huge, huge wieght will be lifted off of me.
That's another thing. I'm getting impatient waiting for my "big break" to come. Scary thoughts have crept into my mind lately; thoughts about failing and never reaching the level of success that I've dreamed of. And, this is the biggie, I'm finding myself getting very jealous and jaded about comics who are getting really successful.
I know, I know. Pety jealously never gets you anywhere. I know. But still, I'm not bulletproof; I'm fucking human. And I'm in a business where sometimes your ego is the only thing you have, and when that starts getting beaten down, you just don't know what to do.
And before I continue, I know that I have A LOT to be grateful for from my health (with exceptions, like today) to my family, to the career I do have, and to my love, Allison. I know. But when you consider that (literally) my whole life I've been striving and working and praying and hoping and trying for this level of success that I haven't reached yet, while others who have put in less time get this success...it kinda irks ya, you know?
I really want to stay positive, but it's hard sometimes. And doesn't everyone deserve some time to just be frustrated and pissy? Not all the time, but a little? I can't just put on a smile and say, "It doesn't bother me." I seriously can't and keep my sanity. Yet, my sanity is slipping anyway because of the negativity I find myself creating.
So what's the solution?
...seriously, I want to know.
Well, let me just think about it. I think the solution is to allow the negativity to pass, like a cold, and then realize that it doesn't have to be that way; as a matter of fact, it isn't that bad.
One of my big problems is that I compare myself to other people as oppossed to just seeing what I have. There are A LOT of comics out there who would love to have what I have. I mean hell, comedy is all that I do. That's fucknig awesome! I forget that sometimes. Allison will remind me that I never, in my life, have had a "real job". By real I mean a steady job that pays every grown up bill I have.
Like when I was a kid I worked at various odd jobs: Chuck-E-Cheese, supermarkets, McDonalds, etc. But I was living with my parents at the time and didn't worry about real world bills. But since living on my own where I pay everything; it's all been from comedy or acting. That's pretty sick. (sick in a good way).
I have to believe and trust in myself and my talent that I will get that success. I do, I really do.
You know what I need? I need to get myself re-motivated. I need to put myself back in the mindset I had when I first moved here...then again, within a month I already had a high profile agent. OK, so I was really spoiled when I first got here. Now I have to beat down some fucking doors to get myself back in the race.
Race is a poor choice of words. I hate that word when describing this business. Cause it's not a race; there's no winner or loser. It's never done.
Because someone else got a deal, or a tv show, or this or that doesn't mean I'm not. It just means I didn't get it NOW. But "now" isn't the "end". There's still "later". Later is a great way of looking at things. Later hasn't happened yet; you never know what later will bring you.
That's why the candy "Now & Later's" were so great. It was optimism in chewy goodness.
"What's that Timmy? You want some candy? Well, you can have one now, and one later."
That's great. Goodness now, and goodness to look forward to.
That's what I need to remember. I have goodness now (not the goodness that I'm specifically eager for, but goodness none the less) and later...well who knows? But I'm sure that the goodness will be there.
Being sure; being positive. The true key.
I gotta tell you, this has made me feel better. I forgot how just stream of conscience blabbering can really help get things out. I think it's the idea of writing something and then seeing in tangible form. Like seeing that the situation isn't that bad. It really isn't Flip.
Well folks, I hope that filled you to the brim with my mental musings. I'll tell you that I pomise to be more consistant with this blog, and I really will try, but please don't hate me if it's like a week or month before my next one. ;)
Trust me, I wish I wasn't so negative either. I wish I could just bask in this light rays of sun, but I've (sadly) become a realist.
I've been reading all about the raid and everything today. First of all, he's been "living in plain sight" for 3 years in Pakistan!? Seriously? And he was living in a neighborhood-like residential area. How'd he avoid being recognized? Like a neighbor comes up to him, "Hey, aren't you...?", then he stops them, "No, I get that all the time. No..uh, I'm his cousin, Sparky bin Laden." (and yes, I posted that on my Facebook and Twitter page. So sue me.
But apprently he had a huge compound BUILT in 2006, no one ever saw the "owners" (aside from coming and going to prayers), they burned their trash, never put it out. Nothing out of the ordinary here.
Again, it's great that they got him, but I really wish they would've taken him alive...and I know I'm not alone. I think the country would love that. That way we could have a trial, have him be humiliated and stand before the entire planet to pay for his part in 9/11. But by killing him, they basically made him into a martyr. He's going to be like Jesus. Al Quida will use his death as a recruitment tool for new members. And I'm sure the military wanted to take him, but given the choice of killing him or trying to just take him and risk losing him; they made the right choice.
And speaking of the military; kudos! Congrats! And thank you. This whole "Team 6" elite force sounds bad ass! Soldiers taken FROM Navy SEALS and trained to be an even better fighting force. Fuck GI Joe, they're the real American heroes.
Just a sidenote, I always felt bad for Navy SEALS; not because of the training or the combat they must see, but because they're name is associated with a cute circus animal. It stands for "Sea Air and Land" Commando's. Which says it all & almost makes sense (seals can't fly) but maybe they could've come up with something else...like "the Patriotic Resiliant Infiltrators of our Country's Killers"...PRICKS! Hell yeah! Can you see that on CNN: "Today Osama bin Laden was killed by the elite Navy PRICKS. Those PRICKS shot two loads in bin Laden's head and he never saw it coming."
Anyway, let's just keep our eyes open for anything dangerous.
Change of subject...
Much thanks to Lake Tahoe for ending the week with 2 amazing shows. I know in my last blog I was not happy with my shows up until then. Saturday's first show was still weird and awkward (didn't sell any merch; a first for this week), so the second show I just said, "Fuck it" and didn't really plan on what to do other than my opener and closer. I ended up doing about 8 minutes of crowd work up front and it worked! After that the crowd was with me and I finished strong. I did the same thing last night and it was even better (Sunday was, by far, the best crowd. Thanks!!). So the next time I come up to Tahoe, I just have to remember to open with crowd work and then take them into the set.
OK, I'm about to start boarding my plane now (I'm at the airport...duh), so let me get going. Talk to you later, and thanks again to Tahoe and the PRICKS in the military. :)
...just to reiterate, I didn't mean the military are pricks, I was calling back my joke that I just posted.