Well, it's fucking freezing out here, it's in the 40s...cold!
Had a fun night at the Improv tonight, got to hang out with some great friends: Kyle Cease, Jeremy Hotz, Ben Glieb, Steve Seagram, and a whole bunch of other comics. I love that place. I got a spot tomorrow night, hosting. Should be fun.
Well, November is over now and the last month of '06 is upon us. Do you guys have any regrets for this year? I guess I do, but that's normal I suppose. There are some moments that I wish I could change this year, but since that is impossible, I can only learn from them, right? Life is lessons and we are students, yes? Yes.
Here's a random thought, but isn't the brain just amazing? I mean it is multi-tasking like a mother fucker. It pumps our heart, runs all of our organs, things, comprehends, I mean it does everything and we are unaware that it's doing that 99% of the time. As I'm typing this, my brain is figuring out what I want to say, telling my fingers to push specific buttons and making sure my eyes are reading it correctly. And if there's a misspelling, it notices it and tells me to correct it. (of course, I'm sure there are plenty that I've missed) But seriously, can you imagine how life would suck if we had to consciously control every action of our body. Constantly reminding our heart to pump blood, our stomach to break down food, our intestines to process waste, etc. There would be nothing going on in the world; just a planet of people going, "Pump, breath, break down, shit...."
Thank your brain people, thank'em good.
And so ends a random thought. Night.
The week was great in Dallas, thanks to everyone who showed up. And welcome to all my new MySpace friends. Welcome to my world...don't know if that's a good thing.
Shit, I am so tired right now, I'm actually kinda dizzy. Oh, but the good news is that I won $25 on the slots here in the airport. So that's nice. :)
I am so looking forward to getting into my bed, under the covers and just passing out. The good thing to come out of being this tired is that I was fall asleep so easily. Good, I'm actually fantisicing about sleeping. That's how old I'm getting now, I'd rather jerk off to thoughts of sleeping instead of porn.....TMI? Sorry.
OK, we're boarding now, I'm off.
I am sitting alone in my hotel room in Dallas right now. I know; depressing, isn't it? I knew that there wouldn't be a show tonight, but I figured that maybe I'd hang out with Pablo and we'd make a day out of it. Last night after our show, Pablo, myself and a local comic planned on going out today. Well, long story short, no one gave me a call and I find out that Pablo checked out of the hotel. I don't know if he went to another hotel or flew somewhere for the day (which I don't think he did), but either way I'm sitting here with my thumb up my ass. But...
It's given me time to think; to really think about what this day is about. Giving thanks. What do I have to give thanks for? Let's go down the list in no particular order:
Would that be sad or cool if I spent my Thanksgiving at a strip club?
"Hey Flip, how was your thanksgiving? Did you have turkey?" "No, but I had several shots of Wild Turkey!"
Well, either way, happy Thanksgiving everyone and may you all have a great holiday!
It was last Wednesday and I went to do that fundraiser for XFanzLive, which I came to find out is an online magazine for the adult industry. So I get there and I'm all ready to be Skippy. I have the outfit, I'm working on the material, I even made a music track for Skippy's song. I'm nervous only because I hadn't done a full set as Skippy in a long time.
Now the venue itself is very much a club; not comedy, but music. No seats, just standing room only. Well there were booths, but they were all to the sides of the stage, there was only a dance floor in front of the stage. Anyway, the other comedians, Rick Overton and Michael Gelbart, arrive and we all get a 'funny feeling'.
The guests start arriving, and I notice that there is porn playing on some video screen. Well now it's getting interesting. Our friend who put this together asked if we wanted to walk down the red carpet; sure, why not? Of course I go balls out and go as Skippy. Full costume, full character, full attitude. I figured, "Hell, it's not me being interviewed by adult magazines, it's 'Skippy', right?" Who am I kidding, I'll kill for any press. As we're in line, a guy from the company asks if his friend can walk in line with us. Turns out she's an adult film star, Ava Rose. Sure. So we chat (all the while I'm Skippy) and I'm cracking 'Skippy' jokes and she's laughing but at the same time, she's not too sure what to make of me.
As we move down the carpet, we're being interviewed, and no one really knows who we are (well, they knew Rick, he's pretty well known) and they just want to see the girls. And I don't blame them. So it becomes pretty apparent that we should just keep on walking and let the girls do the talking. And again, I'm still Skippy. I was pretty impressed with myself that I didn't just stop and go, "Actually my name is Flip Schultz, this is a character I'm doing for the show." Nope, I was Skippy 'fucking' Greene, my friends.
OK, as the night progresses, we realize that this is sooo not a comedy crowd. Everyone was mingling and schmoozing and talking and no one was really coming in to see the show. Not the comedy show anyway, the strip tease on the other hand, everyone couldn't wait for that. We were supposed to start around 9:30, I believe the show started at 10:15 or so. Rick, god bless him, hosted the show and therefore went up without a real warm up. Someone did go up but he didn't really do anything to get the crowd to focus. So Rick did alright for the situation, but his act was just wasted on this crowd. At this point, I'm starting to sweat bullets....
Skippy is not only a soft spoken character vocally, mainly because it kills my throat to do it, but he's also a cerebral character to get. I mean his schtick is that he tours outer space. Sure he's filthy, but most of the stories are about screwing aliens...and not the kick who sneak over the Mexican border! Ba-da-bing!!! Sorry... PLUS, I had a song planned; which was about screwing aliens. So needless to say (then why say it?), I was not thrilled with the idea of going up. In all seriousness, I was scared shitless.
Well Rick does about 8 minutes, (again bless him) and he brings Gelbart up. Michael immediately goes into the crowd and pretty much says, "Ah hell, no one's listening, why even bother...", things like that. Now to be fair, I wasn't watching, I was only listening, (I was still looking over my set) and he told me that he was saying that to the people off to the sides who were talking. He did play to the people in the front who were listening. But without seeing that, it sounded like he was alienating the crowd. So I'm getting more nervous thinking that he's instigating the crowd.
Gelbart does about 8 as well, (incidentally, we were all supposed to do 15...and trust me, 8 was plenty for us) then he gets down. So now there's a burlesque stripper who goes up followed by a contest for the guys and girls for "Who Could Make The Best 'O' Face." Very classy. (sidenote: My 'O' face is the bomb, and it's very true to life. I go, "Oh...Oh...OH...sleep.") So while all this was going on, I'm really doubting if I should even go on. Rick was saying that if I backed out, he wouldn't blame me. And for a second I thought about doing it, but then I knew that if I didn't go up, I'd regret it. I knew that I would a pussy, and even though Rick and Gelbart would never think less of me for doing it, I'd think that they did and that's a feeling I wouldn't get over too quickly. So instead of bowing out, I decided (literally at the last minute) to go up as me, not Skippy.
Like I said, Skippy was too much to ask of them. I needed to just pulverize that stage with energy, physicality and jokes, and as Skippy, I couldn't do that. So I took off the glasses and tie, opened up the collar on my shirt a bit and went up with both arms swinging....
And I did well. Actually, since my expectations were so low...I fucking killed! People listened, they laughed, applauded; I even got people on the side of the stage to pay attention. I did some crowd work, but the main thing was that I never let my guard down. It really was like boxing Mike Tyson or something; I always protected myself by never letting the crowd take over or by letting there be too long of a pause between my words. That's a sure fire way to lose the crowd; suddenly being silent and giving anyone an opportunity to yell something. And other than that, I just hit them with jokes-jokes-jokes! I even thought of one that night:
"So Ron Jeremy is here, that's great. He's been in the adult business for 30 years. My god, if his cock could talk...I'm sure it would have horrible breath!"
And it worked! I think I'm going to keep it in my act. Hehehehe... And as I'm performing, I look down and Eva Rose is standing there laughing so hard she's crying. So I give her a shout out and throwing a quick joke about watching her movies while I was...you know...'making my own milkshake'.
So I did 10 minutes and said, "You guys have been great, thanks." Everyone who was watching (which was a fair amount now) all applauded and I walked off feeling great. I really felt like a comedian that night; I took a crowd that wasn't really there to watch comedy and I got thier attention for a little while. And agian, I'm not taking anything away from Rick and Gelbart, they did fine. If the order had been different, I probably would've eaten it really hard. I thank them immensely for going up (or taking the bullet, as they say) and making me realize that crowd would not have gotten Skippy.
So afterwards Eva came up to me and just gushed about the show, then we had some drinks and just a grand ol' time. That's another thing...
I've been to parties out here, and they're standard Hollywood parties; people rubbing elbows, making deals, swapping cards, etc. And this was the same thing...only it's the porn business. And everyone was so non-chalant about it, which is fine, but as an outsider looking in, it was a bit weird. I heard things like:
"Hey, didn't you write 'Clit Ticklers 5'?" "Yeah, that was me." "Oh, I really loved that movie. Wasn't Mary Swallows in that?" "You know Mary?" "Of course, we worked together in Ass Miners of Minneapolis." "Yeah, Mary is great...and such a trooper. During the climactic scene were the pig farmer, the sheriff and the Radio DJ are all inside of her, one of them, the DJ I think, accidentally put his dick in her mouth...where the sheriff was already! Can you believe it? The director was about to stop, but Mary just improvised and took him anyway." "Yeah, that's Mary, always a giver."
OK, so I may have embelished that story a bit, but it was funny, right?
In all seriousness, it was a fun night and a side of the business that I had never seen before...well, not without curling my toes. (that's an especially 'guy' joke) I had a great time and I've got pictures that I'll upload...bad choice of words...put up on my site this weekend.
I know that some of you might be asking, "Well Flip, did you end up getting any?" The answer is no...honestly, I didn't think that there was anyone there who would put out.
Well, I have to say that last night was truly one of the more "Hollywood" nights of my life. But I've got to be honest...it's 1:30 in the morning and I feel like shit. So I'm going to turn in but I promise that tomorrow I will tell you about my night partying with porn stars! Seriously.
I was bed ridden most of the day and then I had one show in Hollywood and then a late show in Irivine, about 55 miles away. So as you can imagine, when I got home, I was done!
The shows were really good, nice crowds. Skippy went up at Irvine too...he didn't do that well. But then again, he did go up second, and the crowd really didn't know what to make of him. I don't care, I love Skippy. He's also doing a show this wednesday, if you're in town you should check it out. It's a fundraiser sponsered by www.xfanzlive.com. Dave Navarro is going to be there along with Ron Jeremy and some really great comics. You know what was really funny, there were people at the show last night who didn't realize Skippy and I are one of the same. It makes think either I am a really good actor or they are stupid...I'm going to go with choice number one.
Today was nice, I met up with a friend from out of town, we had some dinner and I took her to the Improv. Right when we got there, the manager said that they might need me so don't leave. It was a big benefit show and only one comedian was there...and he was already on stage. I'm thinking, "Cool, my friend is here and she gets to see me on stage...and kinda save the day." Well, that may be pushing it a bit, sorry. Save the day? Who the hell am I, SUPERJEW??? "Able to riddle you with guilt in a single glance! SUPERJEW!!!" Anyway, the comic did show up so I didn't perform, but it was nice to be there for them.
SuperJew? Man, I should smoke pot while I do these blog entries so at least I have an excuse for some of the things I write.
Now I'm just watching a movie, but I think I'm going to call it quits for the night. Hope you guys are smiling and thanks again to everyone for their wonderful birthday emails.
I always wonder if people who just know me from comedy think that I'm alright. I know this sounds very narcissistic, but I sometimes do think about that. Well, just to set the records straight; I am sooo far from alright. God, we're all fucked up , aren't we? I am on a few levels, and tonight just made me realize how much I am. Again, I'm sorry, but I can't get into it on here.
Life is strange, it gives you as much as you can handle yet it seems overwhelming at times. It's either emotional or physical or psychological; but sometimes it's all three. Tonight, it was one...but BOY OH BOY was it a big one. Then again, I'm very prone to over-analyzing and over-thinking situations, so most likely I'm doing this to myself. I have a habit of seeing my life as a TV/Movie. So I'll act to situations as if I'm "acting". Isn't that sad? I sometimes lose sight of who I really am.
On a completely different subject, I went to see Borat... tonight; it was really funny. Not as funny as I hoped; but I think that had a lot to do with the fact that I read about some of the things that happened in the movie already. If you haven't seen it yet, don't read reviews or online posts about it first. Go in with a clean slate. There were some really hilarious moments and what I really liked was that it was told as a story; it actually had a plot and story arc. I thought it was going to be more like Jackass 2, just random insanity. So go see it. I can tell you this, there are going to be millions of kids out there quoting this and doing that accent to the point where it will be so fucking annoying.
Well, I'm going to get ready for bed. Bring out the porn!
Just a sidenote, for those of you who have seen my act, you know that I am allergic to cats yet I have cats. Well you ask...why the fuck would you do that!? And how right you are to ask that. Well, the answer is that I didn't realize I might be allergic to cats when I got them. Actually, my roommate and his ex-girlfriend (and our ex-roommate) decided to get them a few years back. I initially wasn't thrilled with the idea, but they were persistent so I said, "Oh...ok." Well, after the cats arrived, I was suddenly bed ridden for 3 days. But, for those of you who have cats, once a cat rubs their cute little head against yours...you're fucking hooked. Damn them and their black hearts! I tell ya, cats could take over the world with their cuteness.
"Oh my god, the cats are attacking! I need to kill them!...but they're so cute! Aww...that ones tearing that guys arm off...and now he's cleaning himself. That's just adorable. Where's my camera??"
The more I think about though, the more I realize that cats don't do shit. I mean a dog will play with you, lick your face. You can take a dog running, to a park. Hell, a dog can speak on command. Aside from being cute, what the fuck does a cat do? A cat will come to you...when they feel like it. A cat will sleep, shit in a box and meow for no fucking reason. Seriously, you can't take a cat to a park...they'll run away or climb a try. They don't speak on command, they speak when they want food...or when they see you sleeping and decide that's the time they want to ask you a question. So they meow, and meow, and meow...and me-fucking-ow! And then when you get up to see what the fuck is so important, they look at you as if to say, "What? I'm just thinking out loud. Oh, did I wake you? My bad." And by that time my heart is racing so fast that I can't fall back to sleep, so I'm up for the day. But I didn't get enough sleep, so now my allergies are acting up....
Mother fucker...IT IS MY CAT'S FAULT!!!
FYI-Only one week left before my birthday!!!!!